Can it get any weirder?

I am hating my hair, it is so overdue for a style that I can no longer stand it. I start the morning by cutting my bangs and begin to cut the rest, then decide that’s not a good idea and make a bunch of calls to salons for help. They are all booked. One that was recommended (my first two calls were to get recommended salons), told me they were booked for three weeks. What? I live in Podunk. People walk around with hideous hair and the salons are booked? Do people bus in from Chicago to get their hair done at our great salons here? Okay, enough on that, my hair gets done tomorrow (that could be a funny story/picture, stay tuned…)

Then, mom wants me to meet her at the County Courthouse to do some research. I meet her there and she tells me that we need to find out if Leo owed any taxes and if there were any liens against him. I remind her that the “big wigs” in Milwaukee (Uncle Bud and Aunt Julie, the 80+ year olds) are in charge and have already hired a lawyer. Mom says she is suspicious of this lawyer because he wants to come here (150 miles) to check it all out and “he’ll bill us for every mile.”

As we enter the courthouse, mom says to me, “You do the talking.” First stop is Treasurer’s Office, Leo owes no taxes. Next is County Clerk, Leo is not wanted for anything. Last is Probate, they tell us that the attorney hired by the “big wigs” is already actively engaged. At each stop, mom feels the need to pull out the death certificate that somehow has her name on it as a point of contact (makes her feel popular) and to tell them about blind Aunt Ruthie in a nursing home and this big city attorney that wants to drive up here. They all shake their head in disgust at the attorney. Mom’s suspicions are affirmed by a these workers and now she’s fired up. “We’re going to put a stop to this attorney charging us to come up here.” I know who “we” are and I just know this isn’t over.

I suggest we go and have dinner at the VFW. We get there and they are out of Miller Lite, okay, I’ll take any light beer, thanks. Then, they say they are out of pizza. A patron there who knows us says she has a frozen pizza in her car that cost $2.50. So, we get that and the bartender bakes it in their pizza oven. Not too bad, dinner for $2.50. I win shake of the day (that's where you pay $1 to shake 6 dice and if they all come up the same you win the pot). The pot is $25 and I say I'll buy the bar a round. Mom practically has a conniption at this, and whispers to me that these people don't appreciate my generosity. The round is $14 (beers are 75 cents a glass).

Then mom talks to this guy, Bernie, and tells him about the cow with the crooked neck and he says he had a cow like that once and when it got to be 1,000 pounds, its neck straightened. I had to confront this guy. He confirmed this story to me. He also told me that the cow's meat was worth about $300-$400. So, now, I guess that all we need to do is feed this cow a lot so its neck straightens and then it can be a mascot for New Glarus Brewing.

As I’m sipping my beer, I notice that the pinewood drawer in the console behind the bar has a knot in the wood that looks like a face. I say to mom, “Doesn’t that knot in the pine look like Elvis?” She blurts out “No, that looks like Jesus!” Now the crowd is gathering looking at the knot. Two people think it looks like the caveman from the commercials. One thinks it looks like a football player in an old leather helmet. It’s now an attraction.

My friend Julie tries to take a picture and her camera that she has used hundreds of times shuts off each time she presses the photo button. I take her camera away from her and try a picture and it freezes up. So, is it the beers or is this eerie? Now we are all ready for the pilgrims to crowd the VFW because this knot is so out of this world.