Remember the film 'Deliverance'? Well, allow me to provide details on Leo's funeral.
Mom and I decided to meet at Leo's farm and leave my car parked there so it looked like someone was guarding the house. I arrived first, and after all that coffee for breakfast started to look for some tall weeds...then mom pulled in. Good thing she 'saved' me. One of the neighbors had installed a motion sensor camera on the property --that potential clip of me squatting in the grass could have made U Tube.
The church was in the middle of nowhere. We drove through cornfield after cornfield. We stopped and asked directions at a meat store (meat stores are big here, lots of butchering to be done). The hairlip working at the meat store gave me directions, but I had a very hard time understanding him. Luckily, he pointed a lot, so we found the church.
The people had begun to arrive and the Funeral Director needed some guidance, so he pulled me aside. I am damned good at funeral planning. As I'm talking to the Funeral Director, an old rusty car pulls in and it's Chester W*** and his boys. Dressed in their finest. Mom and I brought all the donated baked goods to the church basement. She first had to tell her 'good cousins' who baked each item (so they would know what to eat--i.e., cousin Tillie has cats and you always avoid her dish). Then I see this young man in an American flag tie and carrying a bugle. I approached him and he said he played the bugle at many of the veterans' funerals. I asked him if he had served himself, and he said the military would not let him in.
I don't think I told you, but the Funeral Director seems to like me. When we met with him on Saturday, he told me he's seen me numerous times around town driving my cars. During our meeting, he winked at me a lot. I dismissed this to being some kind of nervous tic. Then, at the funeral, every time I turned around, he was there. One of the cousins came up to me and mom and said she thought the Funeral Director liked me and was flirting with me. So, then mom forbid me from talking to him so rumors wouldn't start.
The service went off without a hitch and it was a bigger crowd than we expected. After the service, we had the military ceremony, with the young man I had met earlier, playing Taps. It gave me goosebumps as it resounded through the cornfields, it was played flawlessly and grown men were crying. As the American Legion did a 21 gun salute, one voice in the crowd yelled out that they were using live ammunition (I had to turn and yell back that they weren't --you have to yell here as no one has good hearing due to their age and all their years with loud farm equipment).
After the ceremony, we did the lunch. 61 people ate. The Funeral Director walked by me and whispered 'Deliverance.' There were a lot of people without many teeth. There were a lot of farmers wearing suits that fit them best when new 20 years ago. There were a couple of people who had a strong smell of urine. There was loud talking everywhere. People wanted to talk to me one inch from my face. One woman doing so belched, I jumped back in disgust and she said if she held it in it would come out the other end. There was gluttony, talking with mouths full, and a lot of belching.
Then Ruthie, Leo's blind, wheelchair-bound sister, had to go to the bathroom. I went into panic mode, this is not my fortay, I'm a funeral planner. Mom hustles up a couple of farmhands and brings them to the bathroom to help lift Ruthie onto the toilet. Then they all step out so she can have 'privacy.'
So, the long day was over and I had a headache and was exhausted. We went to mom's farm and popped a cold beer. The safe remains in the barn unopened. At the funeral, mom started the rumor that the Sheriff has the safe to prevent bad guys from coming to her farm.
Mom and I decided to meet at Leo's farm and leave my car parked there so it looked like someone was guarding the house. I arrived first, and after all that coffee for breakfast started to look for some tall weeds...then mom pulled in. Good thing she 'saved' me. One of the neighbors had installed a motion sensor camera on the property --that potential clip of me squatting in the grass could have made U Tube.
The church was in the middle of nowhere. We drove through cornfield after cornfield. We stopped and asked directions at a meat store (meat stores are big here, lots of butchering to be done). The hairlip working at the meat store gave me directions, but I had a very hard time understanding him. Luckily, he pointed a lot, so we found the church.
The people had begun to arrive and the Funeral Director needed some guidance, so he pulled me aside. I am damned good at funeral planning. As I'm talking to the Funeral Director, an old rusty car pulls in and it's Chester W*** and his boys. Dressed in their finest. Mom and I brought all the donated baked goods to the church basement. She first had to tell her 'good cousins' who baked each item (so they would know what to eat--i.e., cousin Tillie has cats and you always avoid her dish). Then I see this young man in an American flag tie and carrying a bugle. I approached him and he said he played the bugle at many of the veterans' funerals. I asked him if he had served himself, and he said the military would not let him in.
I don't think I told you, but the Funeral Director seems to like me. When we met with him on Saturday, he told me he's seen me numerous times around town driving my cars. During our meeting, he winked at me a lot. I dismissed this to being some kind of nervous tic. Then, at the funeral, every time I turned around, he was there. One of the cousins came up to me and mom and said she thought the Funeral Director liked me and was flirting with me. So, then mom forbid me from talking to him so rumors wouldn't start.
The service went off without a hitch and it was a bigger crowd than we expected. After the service, we had the military ceremony, with the young man I had met earlier, playing Taps. It gave me goosebumps as it resounded through the cornfields, it was played flawlessly and grown men were crying. As the American Legion did a 21 gun salute, one voice in the crowd yelled out that they were using live ammunition (I had to turn and yell back that they weren't --you have to yell here as no one has good hearing due to their age and all their years with loud farm equipment).
After the ceremony, we did the lunch. 61 people ate. The Funeral Director walked by me and whispered 'Deliverance.' There were a lot of people without many teeth. There were a lot of farmers wearing suits that fit them best when new 20 years ago. There were a couple of people who had a strong smell of urine. There was loud talking everywhere. People wanted to talk to me one inch from my face. One woman doing so belched, I jumped back in disgust and she said if she held it in it would come out the other end. There was gluttony, talking with mouths full, and a lot of belching.
Then Ruthie, Leo's blind, wheelchair-bound sister, had to go to the bathroom. I went into panic mode, this is not my fortay, I'm a funeral planner. Mom hustles up a couple of farmhands and brings them to the bathroom to help lift Ruthie onto the toilet. Then they all step out so she can have 'privacy.'
So, the long day was over and I had a headache and was exhausted. We went to mom's farm and popped a cold beer. The safe remains in the barn unopened. At the funeral, mom started the rumor that the Sheriff has the safe to prevent bad guys from coming to her farm.
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1 comment:
That is the funniest thing I have read all week!
I can just see you yelling at the funeral and people thinking they were shooting at them. I am still imagining you at your walking group and now that! Glad I could help you get these stories out....keep um coming.
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